A lot of things have changed

We've been through sooo many changes in the last two years.  Most of which came in the last 12 months.  It's crazy to look back and see how far we've come.

12 months ago Neil was getting ready to leave for Alaska for 17 weeks.  SEVENTEEN!  I was about 6 months pregnant with J & B, and Ellie had just turned 3.   Well, we obviously aren't in Alaska, the twins are almost 10 months old, and Ellie just turned 4!

It was a stressful and completely overwhelming time 12 months ago.  The girls were definitely not a planned part of our lives, and in conjunction with so many other things going on....I wasn't super thrilled about adding to the pile of worries I had already been facing.  For that, I felt guilty.  When really, all I wanted to feel was excitement--I wanted to feel elation that I was going to be part of a special group of women who get to bear and raise twins.  Given all of the issues surrounding the pregnancy, we knew it was nothing short of miraculous that I was expecting.  I just couldn't feel the way I wanted to....and even to this day I still wish I could go back and change how I felt.

My sister called me this morning and told me of a couple who just found out they were expecting twins.  It was extremely weird to hear of their story, and to feel sad.  Or even jealous or angry....that they were so thrilled about expecting twins....and I couldn't go back and experience those same feelings (when we initially found out---I became excited towards the latter part of the pregnancy).  I felt upset that I could never go back and re-live  that moment with Neil.

I took a management position for a company that I'd worked for previously, and since doing so I've been working 40+ hrs/week.  It's been overwhelming and hard.  Hard to cope with the fact that I don't get to see me girls as much as I used to/would like to.  Hard to juggle Neil's schedule, with mine, with my employees and with the babysitter.  It's been hard...and its felt like going from 0 to 60 MPH without any warning.  But, I'm grateful....for many things.  The biggest thing (and most important) I'm grateful for is the appreciation its given me for the time I have.  The time I have to spend with my family is that much more valuable.  I would like to say I don't ever waste a second with them, but I'm not perfect.  I do know that I'm proud of how this challenge has changed me.  Its helped me realize what is really important, and it sure isn't a lot of the things I USED to be involved in.  So, my house isn't perfectly clean, or the dishes are always piled up in the sink.  I'd much rather spend the precious time I have in this life putting puzzles together, making PB&J's, giving hugs and kisses, snuggling and reading a book, and just simply taking in the presence of my girls.  Those moments can never be replaced.  Feeling the lingering guilt of not enjoying my pregnancy with the twins is a constant reminder that I can do better, and be better for my kids.  I can't change what has already happened, but I can make a choice to change what will happen.

I choose them.