The challenges that lay ahead.

I've posted before about how much I've struggled in accepting this pregnancy, it was so completely unexpected and unplanned.  I know a few of you who read this blog know first-hand what its like to be pregnant with twins....but for those of you that don't, its SOO different than a singleton pregnancy.  Not just physically, but especially emotionally.  Some days I feel like I'm just riding a roller coaster.  I've accepted the challenges that have come with being pregnant with twins, I'm excited to bring these two little girls into the world.  I'm excited to show them what our family is about.  But I still struggle daily with the anxiety and anticipation of managing (or surviving, really) with two newborns and a 3 year old.  Thats just me....a little worry wart.

Now to factor in this whole Juneau thing coming up.  It's coming WAYYY too fast.  Neil will be on an airplane headed to Alaska in about one month.  ONE MONTH.  I'm so not ready for the changes that are inevitable.  Unfortunately, Ellie seems to be exhibiting inability to cope with the changes she knows are coming.  She struggled a year ago, when Neil was in Juneau for 5 days doing tests.  She was a complete and total wreck (do you think Neil really needs to ever question whether or not she's a Daddy's Girl?).  She literally did not speak to Neil for almost the first 24 hrs. he was home.  Now, my sweet little 3 yr old has to cope with not just one new baby, but two.  On top of that, one less parent around to focus on her.  She knows her daddy is leaving....she's emotional and stressed about it.  I'm doing my best to try and help her understand now....but I know that this "blessing" will not just be a challenge for Neil and I, but for Ellie as well.

So, all in all, we've got a lot on our plates over here.  I'm grateful that Neil is finally getting an opportunity to start a career that has taken 2 years to get to this point (not including college:).  I'll be the first to admit that I'm not readily looking forward to the next 5 months.  I'm dreading being a single parent for a while.  I'm dreading managing our home while he's gone.  I'm dreading the fact that I KNOW I'll mishandle Ellie's tantrums and typical 3 yr old behaviors at times.  I'm dreading the stress and lack of sleep that comes with newborns.  I'm dreading grocery shopping.  I'm dreading the extreme forgetfulness that will come from juggling all of this on my own (anyone wanna take my checkbook and just pay my bills for me?:)  I'm dreading packing, handling movers, selling cars and furniture, finding an new apartment, and all the other little decisions that make up a HUGE move. I'm dreading that my best friend will be so far away for that time frame, and that he'll miss out on so many things that can never be replaced.  He won't be the first person to hold these little babies when the first get here; he won't be there to laugh with me about all the craziness going on around us.  Those first moments and days won't be there when we finally are able to be physically together as a family.  I'm dreading so many things, that I literally can't put them into words.

There are a few things I'm trying to remember though.

• I'm not completely on my own.  There have been many offers of help, thankfully Neil's family lives close, and the ward we are in (thankfully) is on the older side, with no children at home or other responsibilities.  We'll receive a lot of support from them.  
• These challenges are really not as a bad as my mind would like to portray them.  I'm not the first woman to take on the challenge of temporary single parenting. 
• Ellie is resilient, and she will come out on top too.
• Heavenly Father has given us more than just a few challenges to deal with, but they ARE blessings as well, and I know that he has big plans that will stretch us, strengthen us and allow us to grow in ways that we aren't aware of right now.  I know that we'll be able to look back on all of these and be amazed at how far we came and grew.